Hello! I would like you to
read this. If you are busy though, don’t worry. I imagine that you have better
things to do. I won’t take it personally if you stop reading at this point. It
really isn’t a problem at all.
Hello!
Are you still here?
Really?
Are you still reading?
Well, this is a pleasant surprise. Thank you very much
for staying with me. Well, since you have arrived this far, I have a little
story for you about my first year in Italy. I hope you like it.
I picked up the phone, and fed
some coins into the machine. I was nervous. I was about to do something I had
done a hundred times before. I was going to ask a girl out. This was different
though. It was the first time that I had done such a thing in Italy.
After a few seconds, the girl
picked up the phone.
‘Hello Barbara, รจ Michael. You
know, I met you last week. ‘Il ragazzo inglese, Erm … I was wondering if you
would like to come out with me this Sabato, per una pizza o gelato, or
something like that. If you can’t come don’t worry. It’s not a problem. Non c’e
problemo. I just thought I’d ask. If you like, you know. If you can’t come, it’s
OK, because I’m going out anyway, you see, with other people. There’ll be a
group of us, so don’t worry.’
My invitation tailed off
gradually, but the receiver didn’t seem to be making any noises like ‘Oh’ ‘Ah? ‘I
see,’ ‘Right’, 'OK.’ There was nothing. No reaction. Silence
Finally, after what seemed to
be an eternity, I heard a voice on the other end of the phone. ‘Sorry, I don’t
speak English very well,’ the voice said.
‘OK Bye Barbara,’ I replied.
As I walked out into the
street I didn’t feel too bad about myself. I had been defeated, but I was not
deflated. After all my ego was still intact. It was a language problem, wasn’t
it? No problemo. It was nothing to do with me as a person. Obviously the
language of love was not enough. I had to learn Italian. Then I would be able
to invite Barbara out.
Simple!
Well, not so simple really. I
still remember arriving at Unit 18 of my grammar book and looking at the
conjugation of the future. ‘The Italian future is complicated,’ I thought. And
my own future got even more complicated when I saw the conditional and the
subjunctive form. I wanted to go home.
But I didn’t go home. I
stayed, and, little by little my language improved. However, my success with
the girls sadly did not. As I got better, it only served to make it easier for
me to understand how I was being rejected. But I still didn’t understand why.
What was I doing wrong? I could say things like this in perfect Italian.
‘Would you like to come to dinner on Saturday? Don’t
worry if you can’t. There are other people coming, so the dinner will go ahead
anyway. Maybe you’ve got something else to do, so if you can’t come, I’ll
understand.’
But it was no use. The answer
was always a polite ‘No Thank you’.
And then one summer, I finally
understood what it was that I was doing wrong. I was in Britain, and I had
invited an Italian friend over to stay with me at my mother’s house. I hadn’t
seen my mother for six months, and she greeted me in this way:
‘I’m so happy
to see you Michael. This afternoon, I’m going to the centre to do a bit of
shopping. Would you like to come? Don’t worry if you can’t. I’m meeting Bonita,
and Auntie Pam, so I’m going anyway. Maybe you’d prefer to go out with your
friend. If you can’t come, I’ll understand. I’ve got plenty of other things to
do anyway.’
When my mum left on her
shopping trip my friend turned to me and said, ‘Your mum hates you!’
But she didn’t hate me. Far
from it. She was just doing something that I think is very British. She was
giving me some room for maneuver. She was giving me the chance to refuse the
invitation without being embarrassed.
It was then that I realised that
I was doing the same thing in Italy, to Italians. I was giving people the space
to say no, but I was giving them too much space. The message you give if you
invite an Italian in this very British way is this. ‘I’m inviting you, but you
are not really that important.’
I had finally understood that knowledge
of the language is not enough. You also have to understand the culture that is
behind it. Now I invite Italian friends to dinner as if my very life depended upon it.
I say, Please come! It won’t be the same without you! We really need you there!
And you know what? It works! They come :)
So, I think it's time to change the introduction to this article. Maybe it would sound better like this.
I hope you can find the time to read this. It would
mean a lot to me if you did. I spent quite a lot of time writing it because it
is important to me. There is something that I want to share with you, a story
about how I muddled through life in Italy during my first year. I’m sure you
will find it worth your while if you continue reading. If you have got this far
then maybe you will go on.
I really hope so.
